It’s so easy to lose focus. Spends hours in meaningless activities… without realising that I am wasting my life. And then, suddenly, sometimes, I wake up. Oftentimes, strangely… when I close my eyes to prayer. Or at least, that’s what I suddenly did right now. I was in the middle of mindless browsing. No, not the negative kind… just the generic kind… news reports… entertainment news, sports, design… all seemingly harmless and even educational. But after a long time… I was confronted by my distance from God. And as I returned to my theme this year… prayer… I sought out a book on prayer … and read a few phrases…
(from Richard Foster’s Prayer (16):
Dear Jesus, how desperately I need to learn to pray. And yet when
I am honest, I know that I often do not even want to pray.
I am distracted!
I am stubborn!
I am self-centered!
In your mercy, Jesus, bring my “want-er” more in line with my
“need-er” so that I can come to want what I need.
In your name and for your sake, I pray. —Amen.)
I wasn’t sure that my struggle was between wants and needs… it was more within focus and non-focus… keeping my eyes on God/Jesus and forgetting that I am his child, called to his purpose. Nevertheless that prayer helped me wake up… and turn back to God.
Now I know that “blogging” about it is counterproductive… because to get out of the grip of losing focus… to go more into computers… (ie. writing about it)… is a “synthetic” lifestyle… not always real. But within my current limitations… I felt trapped enough by the machine to express my feeling of being trapped within the machine.
I’m not able to escape my desire (want) for distraction… but I know that focus is what I need. Hmm… perhaps Foster’s first prayer is my prayer after all… Lord, let my focus on my own desire… become a focus on what I truly need. And I know, I truly need you right now. Lord I pray that I will meet you. Now. Right now. Full stop.